Social Security: it is in a crisis! But how bad is the crisis, and how can it be solved? Here at the Fafblog Research Institute we've compiled a handy FAQ to tell you what's what.
Q: Is Social Security in crisis?
A: Yes it is! And if we don’t do something right now it is going to EXPLODE!
Q: Oh no!
A: In forty years.
Q: Then what happens?
A: Then Social Security runs out of money! That means either your benefits are reduced, or all Social Security everywhere explodes in a giant fireball and we will have to run away from the fireball and jump away from it in slow motion to escape!
Q: Tell me more about this crisis in gritty detail!
A: The fireball is huge and loud and expensive and there is grinding guitar music on the soundtrack informing everyone that we are bad, bad dudes! The radiation turns all old people into very poor mutants who must scavenge and eat each other for food. Eventually the robots come: they are unstoppable. What has science done!
Q: I’m scared! How can we avert this terrible future?
A: There’s just one chance! We have to borrow trillions of dollars to finance transforming Social Security into a completely different system based on mandatory investments in preferred stocks.
Q: If we’re borrowing trillions of dollars, and the government already owes trillions of dollars, and the Social Security crisis is a debt problem anyway, how does this help Social Security?
A: Quick we have to act fast! We only have twenty years to go!
Q: I thought we had forty years.
A: Now we have ten! It is a ticking bomb.
Q: Oh no! In these extreme circumstances we have to privatize Social Security!
A: If we don't, the terrorists win.
Q: I’ll hold it down. You get the electrodes!
A: It’s so crazy, it just might work!
Q: I’m following you so far, but what if privatization…
A: It’s not privatization it is private accounts.
Q: Alright then, what if these private accounts…
A: They are not private accounts they are personal accounts.
Q: Okay, if these personal accounts…
A: They are not personal accounts, they are privamatupilous splendiferacy.
Q: I forgot what I was talking about.
A: Oh good! Have a lollipop with your splendiferacy.
Q: Can I see your Social Security plan?
A: No you can’t.
Q: Well, I’d really like to, before I decide to…
A: Would you really like to see the plan? Would you really, really?
Q: Yes yes I would I would, ever so much!
A: Okay then! When you go to bed tonight dreaming of private investment accounts a maaaaagical train will pull up to your window, and a maaaaagical conductor will let you on board…
Q: Oh boy!
A: And the maaaaagical train will take you to the North Pole to see Social Security Santa with your very own eyes so you can believe.
Q: Oh wow, I’d love that!
A: And he and his elves will give you your own private account which will last forever and ever. Would you like that?
Q: Yes I would, I would!
A: Well, you won’t get it, ‘cause you didn’t believe on your own!
Q: Oh no!
A: Get thee behind us! No Social Security for you!
Q: I ended up with crap stocks, and my private account went empty early. What do I do?
A: You run out of money and starve. But you’ll starve in freedom, because you OWN your empty personal account, which means you OWN your starvation!
Q: I feel so free and hungry!
A: A wise man once said it is better to live in freedom than to die in slavery … the slavery of a secure retirement.
Q: Give me liberty AND death!
A: That’s the spirit!
Q: Wheeee! *hack hack wheeze*